from “worry to wonder list”

a post that should have been called “Rest (and the search for perfection)” or a bunch of other titles

We’re in the thick of 2024 and I’m tired-er than ever.

This article today is supposed to have been “a series about quitting your 9–5 and surviving it”. It was supposed to be post 4 of 4. There is no 1–3 of this either. I overplanned and underdelivered.

I am laaate with this post and honestly, I haven’t enjoyed a glass of wine more than while I confessing this ‘sin’ to the world. There is a quiet win for me, because doing what I’m not supposed to ignites my shame spiral because if you’re a bad girl who doesn't finish her worry list or to do list, then you aint perfect.

My girl Brené defines perfection as:

“Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.”
― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection

I can tell you, from personal experience, that the price of admission to play the perfection game, is too high.

But honestly, I just couldn’t bring myself to write something witty that someone else might find useful while I was in the thick of things regretting quitting my job and trying to start a consulting business. Boy, was I wrong about being wrong.

Instead, I’m writing to myself today.

I find myself worried about what I still have to accomplish before the end of the year, and worried about what I have to accomplish next year.

But I am T.I.R.E.D that I’m worried about making it through this day.

I am tired because I haven’t really rested in the last 10 years unless I’ve been going through a bout of Depression.

I’ve been fighting to be perfect for so long, I thought I still had to fight. Even as I was moving from the doing to the being (another title I considered for this post)

but the thing is, I’m not depressed (probably). I am so actively instilling boundaries — that saying no has become exhausting.

The exercise of finding things to be exhausted about — is exhausting.

That’s not to say there aren’t ‘real’ worries, real anxieties and real fears. Both globally and at home.

It’s just that, for the first time in a long time, I don't actually FEEL depressed. The fight to be healthier, more conscious, and more creative has turned me into someone new that I am trying to get to know now, and trust.

And to understand how this new person is interacting with the world around her, and how the world responds.

I fought for a long time to craft this life where I can work a little, and rest a lot.

But instead of filling in the time with nothingness (what creatives need to be able to create, what human beings need to connect to something higher than themselves).

I’ve filled it with worry — a to-do list of things to worry about — a worry list

1. I haven’t checked in with ABC or replied to those messages, better do that sometime this week. Don’t want them to think I’m a bad friend.
2. I haven’t heard from ABC yet, better check in and make sure they are ok and that I’m a good friend.
3. Haven’t promoted my blog AT ALL, better start that Instagram page and do a content calendar and connect to like-minded people and write some poetry and take pics of coffee mugs (or something, i dont really know).
4. I haven't started that accountability buddy writing group so that we can remember to be accountable.
5. I haven't done xyz for or with my partner and I’ve been nagging too much.
6. I haven't slept early enough the last few days or eaten properly and I smoked two cigarettes and had too much wine and it's probably going to age me 100 years.

and so on.

The thing is, I’m kind of OK now. and it’s leaving me with a weird empty feeling. I have time. I have healthy, boundaried personal and professional relationships, I can afford my home (at least for the next few months).

So, not depressed then I guess. And it’s uncomfortable as all hell.

Perhaps I can give myself the permission to rest.

(Turns out, I’ve kind of been resting anyway, even without the permission)

Depression rests, and now so do I.

And I hope you will find that you are resting too (even if it doesn’t look like, or feel like you thought it would).

My new list: “to wonder” list

• make a really nice cup of coffee and enjoy it in the morning while I’m alone.
• Doing at least one yoga stretch in the morning and saying hello to my body.
• Doing one thing a day that absolutely terrifies me — it’s been fantastic to get out of procrastination and the self-doubt cycle.

That’s it, that’s the whole new list for now.